Faithful in your lostness

Honesty time: I have been completely lost for the last year of my life.

It was a quiet lostness. I didn’t even notice it at first. But then it hit me in one tsunamic wave. Questions came, but I ignored them. I let them sit inside until, finally, they all boiled over at once.

I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know anything about sharing the Gospel. I have all this knowledge in my head about God, but I have forgotten how to share Him. How does that happen?

I’ve been unsure where I fit into the Church for a while now. I’m automatically counted out of several denominations based on my belief that I’ve been called to church leadership. Part of me has questioned if I even fit in at my home church any more. Those are my people. The idea of not belonging to them shakes me to my core.

Where am I supposed to be? How am I supposed to get there? Did God actually call me to this life? Why do I feel like I couldn’t write an exegetically sound sermon to save my life?

My heart has been pounding harder than usual since all these questions popped into my head. Perhaps because it takes extra power to snuff them all out and keep me operating.

It’s all come pouring out of me in the last three days. I’m not even close to being done. I’m pretty scared of this monster.

Just a little bit ago, I was journaling a long prayer that was mostly a Q&A with God. Lots of fears spilled onto the pages of this holy conversation. I admitted it for the millionth time in the last few days: God, I’m lost. I need to be told where to go. I need to be told how to get there. I need to be equipped with something more than I have now.

When I finished just a few minutes ago, I felt refreshed and uplifted. More confident. But still incredibly frozen, and terribly terrified. Unsure and…lost.

I looked down at my phone, and there was a text from a friend I used to be incredibly close to. As we’ve become real-life adults, we’ve fallen out of touch. But every now and then my beautiful friend shows up with a message. It’s always timely. It’s always exactly what I need. It’s never from her. It’s always from God. Tonight, this is what she had for me and for you:

I pray you abandon fear! No fear will stop you from what He is calling you to!!! God is anointing you to walk in power and love to carry out the destiny he has for you! May He place you around strong people in Christ to uplift and grow you in Him ♥

Friends, I’m still lost. I’m still so freakin’ scared and majorly unsure of the next steps. But this message reminded me that God knows.

He knows where I’m going. He knows what He has for me, and He knows how I’ll get there. I may be blind, but He sees.

Be encouraged by this. You may not be clear on your mission, but you are not alone in the journey. Continue walking with Christ, and continue to follow His commands.

Love God. Love others. You aren’t as lost as you feel. He is there. He is faithful in your lostness.

All the rest will happen in its time.